Frustration!!!

I'm so frustrated. I'm already on CD15 and my chart still says I haven't ovulated. The fertility scope isn't even showing faint ferning, OPK is negative. Why can't my body do it without damn clomid. I'm so disappionted and upset. I'm starting to feel all alone in this long journey. Please God just grant me this one wish and allow me to give my husband a child.

Seems like I just lay here night after night and just can't get myself to close my eyes. I can't seem to shut my brain off so I can relax and fall asleep. Just wish I could just get pregnant and have my baby in my arms so I can move on from all this. I know stressing about everything isn't going to help get me pregnant but I just can't seem to relax and quit worrying about it no matter how hard I try. I'm finding myself so jealous of others lately. I wish nothing more than to be able to hold Joshua in my arms right now. All of this just seems all unfair cause right now he would be in my arms if all of this BS didn't happen. Maybe I won't be the best mom but I do know that I will love my child unconditionaly and will certainly try to be the best mom I can be. That's more than some people can say. Including some I know. Why does God let teenagers, druggies, child abusers, ect have babies but not me. I know people say God works in mysterious ways and has a plan for us and he won't give us more than we can handle. Well I just don't understand his ways at all. Why kill a beautiful innocent baby who was and still is greatly love. Why put such a huge desire in a woman for babies but yet not give her the ability to carry one. Not to mention I just can't handle all this anymore. It's just getting to be all too much. How many letdowns and heartaches can one person be dealt in one lifetime. I'm ready for something to turn out positively for once. To get my miracle for once. I'm ready to give my husband the baby we both deserve.

First Post

Decided to start this blog. Maybe it will help me work through some of the emotions of everything going on right now. First off I'll give a little back ground. My husband and I have been trying to concieve since Feb. 2005 without success till this last year. It all started March 2009 when I hemorraged from my period and ended up needing 2 units of blood transfused. Because of that I was refered to a OBGYN to get some help on figuring out why this happened and to find out why I haven't been able to get pregnant. After many tests the only thing wrong was that I wasn't ovulating. Oh and I have PCOS and endometreosis but I already previously been diagnosed with that. Dr decided to put us on clomid and low and behold it worked the 1st round. We were so excited that it had finally happened. We got past the scary 1st trimester and thought we were home free till my water broke Sept 13. It was the scarest worst experience I have ever gone through. 5 1/2 months later and I'm still having trouble dealing with it. Since losing our son who we named Joshua James, we have done 3 more cycles of clomid, no of which ended with a pregnancy. I don't think I ovulated the 1st cycle but I know I did with the 2nd and 3rd. So not sure why I didn't get pregnant. I'm thinking it's either my CM isn't right cause I failed each time to have EWCM or else I'm too stressed. I just can't seem to relax no matter how hard I try. All I can think about is how bad I want a baby. I hope I'm not sabatoging myself. But it seems like the more time that goes by the worse it gets. I just hope it happens soon. We got to see a fertility specialist at the end of March. Nervous about that but hopefully we will find out some answers and will be able to finally get pregnant again.