11 weeks!!!

Wow just realized I haven't posted in over a month now. Everything is going well I have been feeling really good this time. Minimal MS, thank God. Been very tired and hungry all the time though and some acid reflux. Had an appt with the midwive yesterday. Appt went great. Was very nervous about it figured it would end in a fight trying to get them to do something to prevent me from losing my baby again but the midwife brought up what she wanted to do before I had a chance to ask it lol. The plan is between 16 - 24 weeks they will do an u/s every 1 - 2 weeks depending on what they see at the last u/s. The ywill be checking my cervix with the u/s since they think my cervix played a part in why I lost Joshua at 18 wks last sept. I also had to do that glucose finger prick test and failed that miserably. Your sugars are supposed to be below 140 and mine was 194 so I get to go do that 3 hr fasting test, yippe.....NOT. So not looking forward to starving that long. Did get to see the baby on u/s though :) They couldn't find the HB with the doppler so she decided to do an u/s. I wasn't going to complain, any excuse to see baby is fine with me lol. All is well with the baby. Measuring 10 wks 6 days which is right on schedule and the hb was 184!!! So can't wait for my next u/s at 16 weeks. Hopefully we can find out what it is too!!!

And we have a baby in there!!!!

Had my u/s this morning at 8:30 and it went great. Baby had a HR of 124!!! Even got to hear it. Talk about a beautiful sound. Found out to that there's only one in there. Thank God!!! Both my husband and I are on cloud 9 today and are sooooo excited :)!!!!

6 Weeks!!!

Just realized that I havent posted in awhile. Not since my exciting BFP!!! Well I'm 6 weeks along already. It's hard to believe. Haven't really had to many symptoms. I've been more tired, peeing frequently, having some acid reflux, gassy (at both ends lol), moody, and had a couple of bouts of ms (just nausea though). Over all not feeling to bad. But it's still early. With Joshua I didn't even feel anything till 6 - 7 weeks. So it might just be around the corner. I go in on Tues for my 1st u/s. So excited and can't wait. Both my husband and I are nervous though cause we think it's twins. I just have a feeling theres 2 but I'm hoping that feeling is just paranioa lol. We have a good chance of twins too since I had 2 beautifuly ripe eggs when I got my trigger shot. But I guess only time will tell. Wish us luck!!!

New pic

Thanks to my great friend on my message board I follow I figured out how to take a better pic so here ya go!!!

It's official!!!

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!! Pee'd on another FRER this morning and it was darker so i called the RE's office and she wanted me to come in for a HCG blood draw and to check my progesterone. Got the results back already and the HCG was 44.8 and the progesterone was 26.6 so all is well. I go in monday for a repeat draw. Can't wait to see if my #'s go up. She also said that if my #'s are up anytime after June 7 I can get an u/s done so thrilled about that. She also said that they plan on doing u/s's on me every 2 wks since I'm considered high risk after what happened with Joshua. Glad they are being proactive and actually going to be monitering me. Hopefully we will get our happy ending and actually get to hold our little miracle in our arms and take them home!!! Can't wait to make my husband a daddy!!!! Sorry the pic is so blurry but couldn't get my camara to take a good pic. Not sure y.

OMG

Well I took a Dollar store HPT test yesterday morning at 10DPO and it was negative. Totally freaked even though I expected it. Well I bought some FRER today or I guess technicly yesterday. Just to one and there is a faint positve. OMG OMG OMG I think I'm finally pregnant again. I so can't wait to tell my husband. He will be soooooo happy. I can finally hopefully make him a Daddy. I'm still in shock. OMG!!!!!

Well thats weird

Took a HPT tonight just to see if it would come up positive like all the websites said. Well mine didn't really register anything. I think there might be a very very faint line but you really have to look to see it. I thought with the trigger shot it took 10 days for it to get out of your system? Hope this doesn't mean I'm out for this cycle. Now I'm going to be freaking out I'm sure for the rest of my cycle. Please God just let this be my month. All I want to do is make my husband a Daddy.

Sperm meets egg, well hopefully

May 6 I went in for my Estridol level and it was 180 which was really good. So they had me go in the next day for an u/s to see how my follicles looked. That went even better. Had 2 follicles. One was 20 and the other was 16 (so could have those twins if they both release and fertilize). They told us to take my HCG trigger shot that night. Which I did at 7 PM that night since we decided against the UIU because I was have EWCM which i havent' had at all these months of being on treatments. We figured we might actually have a chance doing it naturally. I guess time will tell. By 10pm that night I was already uncomfortable by 1am it felt like my ovaries were going to explode, it was very painful. Was in pain all night but I felt better at 1 PM when I got up so I'm guessing I ovulated May 8. So now I'm in my tww and I'm sure the time will fly by VEEEEEEERY slowly like it usually does. I plan on testing May 18 which is 10 DPO to see if I am still getting a postive HPT or not that way I know when I do get a +HPT it is a true +. So wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed!!!

And even more tears

Just read up online about estridol levels during stimulation cycles and nothing looks good on my part. My levels today were 55 after 3 days of follistim. Thats what it should be when I started the cycle. So I'm really low. Plus it was talking about antral follicle counts and from what it said I have a low count and basicly I wouldn't even have the option of IVF and have a low chance of pregnancy ever. And with everything it's all adding up to possilby haing a low egg reserve and with that the only option is IVF with donor eggs. We can't even begin to afford that. I just don't understand. I'm so upset right now. I feels like my dreams are being shattered, like my whole world is crashing down around me. I'm starting to think my baby Joshua was my only chance at a baby of my own and that stupid bitch dr took that away from me. It makes me sick at the thought of that and makes me weep for my beautiful son even more. My heart just aches at the thought of what could of been or should I say, what should of been.

More tears

Well tonight was my 4th day of injectables. Gave up on giving it to myself after my hysterical breakdown last night that took 1 1/2 and ended with my husband giving me my shot cause I just couldn't get myself to do it. I had my 1st u/s this morning to check my progress. I thought it went really well. I had 2 follicles on my right side one was 14 and the other was 9. Also had one on my left side that was 12. They said it was looking good and should only have to take 2 more days of the follistim and then I should be ready for the HCG shot on Wednesday. Well boy was everyone wrong. They called 3 hrs later after they go my Estridol level back and it was HORRIBLE. It was only 55 but it should of been over 100 by now. So basicly they may not be any good. They are hoping the smaller ones will do well but theres no guarentee. Basicly my follicles aren't producing estrogen. What else could possibly go wrong. It seems like everything is going wrong once again. I'm not sure I could endure another cycle of injectables. Every night is a battle of the wills trying to get myself to actually stab myself with the stupid needle. Uhhhh I just don't get it. How could I get pregnant with no problem on clomid and now this time not even injectables seems to be working. If they don't work I just don't know what will.

The Dramatic Needle

Well yesterday was my 1st injection of the follistim. Boy was it nerve wracking. I put in the video had everything set up and thought everything was going good up till I had to actually do the injection. I just could not do it. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't do it. Tried to have my husband do it and that made it even worse. It took 45 minutes to finally work up the courage to just stab myself with a tiny 1 inch needle. I cried like a baby and looked like a fool but I did it. The sad part is I barely felt the needle so I made a scene for nothing lol. Tonights injection was way less dramatic and only took 5 minutes to work up the courage to stab myself. Hopefully tomorrow I can just do it without thinking about it. Or at least thats the plan. So here's to hoping for that BFP!!!!

Let the shots begin!!!

Went in today and got my injection training done!!! Looks pretty easy. I take my 1st dose tomorrow night so wish me luck!!! Got a phone call from insurance and we actually have coverage for the injectable meds. All together we only have to pay $50 for both 1 cycles worth of follistim and the HCG trigger shot. Was excited for that. Makes it soooo much more affordable. Was starting to wonder if we did get pregnant how we were going to afford all the baby stuff. So far my schedule is to take the follistim for the next 3 days starting friday night, which is also my last day of Femara. Then on monday morning I have an ultrasound to check the progress of my follicles. Beyond that I don't know because it all depends on where I am progress wise on Monday. So bring on the needles and lets hope that I can handle giving myself the shots!!!

Psychic reading

I ordered a JennyRenny reading a little while back. It has given me the small amount of hope that I needed to get me through this cycle. Now I just hope it comes true. Here's my reading.

Your reading reveals that your BFP comes the month of May from a cycle that starts in April 2010. The pregnancy shows as twins - girl and boy. Their EDD is refrenced around the 2nd of Febuary 2011 and their birth is shown on the 21st of January 2011.

So keeping my fingers crossed it comes true!!!

Finally.....

We made a decision about the injectables. We decided to give it a shot!!! Nervous about the decision though. Love the increased chance of pregnancy but scared about possible multiples. Hopefully God is on my side!!! I go in tomorrow to learn how to shot myself up and sounds like I will starting Follistism on Friday and then one my follicles are big enough I will be given an HCG trigger shot to tell my body to release my egg(s). So here's to getting that BFP this cycle!!!!

What to do - What to do....That is the ?

Well my lovely period arrived on Saturday on time like usual. So I went back to the RE's today. Got an ultrasound done to check how many baby follicles I have. I have 13 on my right ovary with a small cyst too (they aren't worried about the cyst sinces it's small) and I have 7 on my left so all is good there. They have given me 2 options for the cylce. For both options I will take Femara again CD5 - 7 and starting CD12 I will have to go in to get my follicles checked to see how they are progressing. Once they are big enough I will recieve an HCG trigger shot which will make my eggs release. The only thing we have to decide is if we want to add injectable meds into the mix too or just stick to the Femara. Not sure what to do. Dr said that the injectables will double our chances at pregnancy than just taking the Femara but our chance of multiples goes from 5% up to 20% with the injectables. I don't know which one out ways the other. I'd love to have a higher chance of pregnancy but is it worth the risk of multiples after what happened with Joshua? Nothing scares me more than losing another baby or babies. How do you make these decisions? I never thought it would have to come to this. Dave doesn't want to spend that kind of money with no quarentee it will work but I almost want to give it a shot because I'm I guess you can say desperate to get pregnant. So what to do what to do???? That is my ? of the day.

Called the RE's office today and got my results back for my progesterone level for the 7 DPO blood draw. It was only 6.7. So disappionted since it's supposed to be over 10 for ovulation. The nurse says my OPK's could of been off and we caught the surge on the way up or down. So now I'm just supposed to wait to see if my period comes Saturday or not. If it does I'm to call and it sounds like I will be put on progesterone. If I'm not I'm supposed to call too and it sounds like they will be monitering me by u/s and will be getting a trigger shot when my follicles get big enough to release. I just don't get it. How can my body be so off. I swear I'm pregnant. I'm even having symptoms. Now I'm just starting to think it's all in my head and I'm making myself feel this way. I really just want to give up. If I didn't want a baby so bad I would right this second. I still don't know where I'm going to come up with the strength to move on to the next month of treatments. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff about ready to fall off. I feel like a failure as a woman and as a wife. The one thing I am built to do I can't do. It seems like God is playing a cruel joke on me. He gives me this HUGE desire for children but then doesn't give me the means to either carry my own or to adopt. I losing my hope and my faith is this struggle. It feels like I'm in a nightmare I just can't seem to wake up from. I'm ready to wake up God. Preferably before I lose my mind.

Chart

Here's my chart so far!!!

Impending Meltdown

As of right now I am 9 DPO and getting VERY nervous. I feel like I might be pregnant but at the same time I sometimes feel like I'm just wanting this so much that I'm making myself believe I'm pregnant and causing all the symptoms that I'm having. So how to tell the differnce....that is the question of the day????? Here's a list of my symptoms so far and what day they started:

Fatigue 7 DPO
Bloated 6 DPO
Nausea 8 DPO
Irratablity 8 DPO

My dilema is I know that everyone of those symptoms can be explained away as something other than pregnancy but yet I think I feel like I'm pregnant. I don't want to get my hopes up though because I know that it will only make things 10x's worse when my period arrives. Which is due Saturday. I think if it does arrive I'm going to have a total meltdown. I just don't know how I'm going to get enough strength together to do this all over again next month. I losing hope and faith that this will ever happen for us. I just don't understand why it happened so easy the 1st time and yet now this time it's not happening at all. What are we doing wrong? I just need something to go our way for once. I really want to make my husband a Daddy. There's nothing more that my husband and I both want.

Update.....getting nervous

So since last time I had my appt with the RE. Over all it went well. I was put on Femara, which I took CD3 - 7. Only side effect I noticed was a headache the 1st couple of days. I also have to take 1000mg of folic acid since Dave has mild spina bifida. Also have to take 81 mg of Asprin due to the abnormal results from Iowa City so I guess I have a clotting problem. Not liking the Asprin though cause now I bruise way too easy. I have 2 bruised on my R. arm and 1 on my R. leg that I have no idea how I got. Usually it takes alot to bruise me. On CD8 I had a blood draw to check my Estradiol levels. Haven't gotten the results back. Plan on calling Monday to see about the results. Seems like no one gives a crap there. Orginally they wanted to do a U/S on either CD2, 3, or 4 but they didn't do that cause their U/S tech was gone on vacation so they decided to do one on CD8 or 9 but then they didn't and just did the lab draw. I feel like nothing is being done. The point of the U/S's was so they could see how I reacted to the drugs and everything so they know what to do for next month. This was supposed to be a trial/testing month and now it's just been a waste. Now instead of 1 wasted month being tested I'm going to have 2 wasted months. I guess I'm not really out this month till AF arrives but I'm not very optimistic either. Right now I'm on CD16. I think I might of had a +OPK today. So hopefully I will ovulate tomorrow. I've been in alot of pain today, even having sex hurt. We also decided to try preseed this month. Dave loves it. Lets just hope it helps my CM so I can actually might have a chance at getting pregnant this month.

Frustration!!!

I'm so frustrated. I'm already on CD15 and my chart still says I haven't ovulated. The fertility scope isn't even showing faint ferning, OPK is negative. Why can't my body do it without damn clomid. I'm so disappionted and upset. I'm starting to feel all alone in this long journey. Please God just grant me this one wish and allow me to give my husband a child.

Seems like I just lay here night after night and just can't get myself to close my eyes. I can't seem to shut my brain off so I can relax and fall asleep. Just wish I could just get pregnant and have my baby in my arms so I can move on from all this. I know stressing about everything isn't going to help get me pregnant but I just can't seem to relax and quit worrying about it no matter how hard I try. I'm finding myself so jealous of others lately. I wish nothing more than to be able to hold Joshua in my arms right now. All of this just seems all unfair cause right now he would be in my arms if all of this BS didn't happen. Maybe I won't be the best mom but I do know that I will love my child unconditionaly and will certainly try to be the best mom I can be. That's more than some people can say. Including some I know. Why does God let teenagers, druggies, child abusers, ect have babies but not me. I know people say God works in mysterious ways and has a plan for us and he won't give us more than we can handle. Well I just don't understand his ways at all. Why kill a beautiful innocent baby who was and still is greatly love. Why put such a huge desire in a woman for babies but yet not give her the ability to carry one. Not to mention I just can't handle all this anymore. It's just getting to be all too much. How many letdowns and heartaches can one person be dealt in one lifetime. I'm ready for something to turn out positively for once. To get my miracle for once. I'm ready to give my husband the baby we both deserve.

First Post

Decided to start this blog. Maybe it will help me work through some of the emotions of everything going on right now. First off I'll give a little back ground. My husband and I have been trying to concieve since Feb. 2005 without success till this last year. It all started March 2009 when I hemorraged from my period and ended up needing 2 units of blood transfused. Because of that I was refered to a OBGYN to get some help on figuring out why this happened and to find out why I haven't been able to get pregnant. After many tests the only thing wrong was that I wasn't ovulating. Oh and I have PCOS and endometreosis but I already previously been diagnosed with that. Dr decided to put us on clomid and low and behold it worked the 1st round. We were so excited that it had finally happened. We got past the scary 1st trimester and thought we were home free till my water broke Sept 13. It was the scarest worst experience I have ever gone through. 5 1/2 months later and I'm still having trouble dealing with it. Since losing our son who we named Joshua James, we have done 3 more cycles of clomid, no of which ended with a pregnancy. I don't think I ovulated the 1st cycle but I know I did with the 2nd and 3rd. So not sure why I didn't get pregnant. I'm thinking it's either my CM isn't right cause I failed each time to have EWCM or else I'm too stressed. I just can't seem to relax no matter how hard I try. All I can think about is how bad I want a baby. I hope I'm not sabatoging myself. But it seems like the more time that goes by the worse it gets. I just hope it happens soon. We got to see a fertility specialist at the end of March. Nervous about that but hopefully we will find out some answers and will be able to finally get pregnant again.