Seems like I just lay here night after night and just can't get myself to close my eyes. I can't seem to shut my brain off so I can relax and fall asleep. Just wish I could just get pregnant and have my baby in my arms so I can move on from all this. I know stressing about everything isn't going to help get me pregnant but I just can't seem to relax and quit worrying about it no matter how hard I try. I'm finding myself so jealous of others lately. I wish nothing more than to be able to hold Joshua in my arms right now. All of this just seems all unfair cause right now he would be in my arms if all of this BS didn't happen. Maybe I won't be the best mom but I do know that I will love my child unconditionaly and will certainly try to be the best mom I can be. That's more than some people can say. Including some I know. Why does God let teenagers, druggies, child abusers, ect have babies but not me. I know people say God works in mysterious ways and has a plan for us and he won't give us more than we can handle. Well I just don't understand his ways at all. Why kill a beautiful innocent baby who was and still is greatly love. Why put such a huge desire in a woman for babies but yet not give her the ability to carry one. Not to mention I just can't handle all this anymore. It's just getting to be all too much. How many letdowns and heartaches can one person be dealt in one lifetime. I'm ready for something to turn out positively for once. To get my miracle for once. I'm ready to give my husband the baby we both deserve.